I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
