As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
