last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
