Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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