I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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