forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
