Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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