I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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