I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
