My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
