My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
