I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
someone owes me an orgasm
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
