In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
