my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I am available for nakedness
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
