I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
