If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
