Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
