you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
