I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
