You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
