Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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