Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
