Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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