How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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