saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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