U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
