Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
