the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
