Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
