I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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