Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
