my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
