life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Small penises have feelings too.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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