We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
