Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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