you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
