The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Barsexuality is the new black.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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