guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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