my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
