I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
