Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
