Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
