i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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