Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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