oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
