I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
