Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
