he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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