Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
