I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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