just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
