Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
do herpes really smell.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
