Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
